Pallbearers: What They Do and How to Choose Them

What Pallbearers Do

Pallbearers carry the casket. They take it into the service, out of the service, to the hearse, and from the hearse to the grave. It is a short job measured in minutes, but it is one of the most visible honors at a funeral, and families usually give it to the people who were closest to the person who died.

The funeral director runs the logistics. Pallbearers follow their lead, so nobody needs to know the steps in advance.

Before the service

1. Arrive 30 to 45 minutes early and find the funeral director.
2. Get a short briefing: where to stand, which handle is yours, the route, and the signal to lift.
3. Put on gloves or a boutonniere if the funeral home hands them out.
4. Sit in the reserved rows, usually the front rows on one side.

During the service

1. Carry the casket in at the start (or it may already be in place; ask the director).
2. Walk at a slow, even pace, feet first through doors as directed.
3. At the end, carry the casket out to the hearse and load it, then ride or drive in the procession.

At the cemetery

1. Lift the casket from the hearse and carry it to the grave.
2. Set it on the lowering device. Cemetery staff lower it; pallbearers don't.
3. Some pallbearers lay their gloves or boutonniere on the casket before they step back. The funeral director will say if that is the custom.

Wheeled carts (church trucks) carry the weight for most of the route. Pallbearers mostly guide and lift at steps, doors and the hearse.

How Many Pallbearers You Need

Six is the usual number. A standard casket has three handles on each side, so six people can each take one. Eight works when the casket also has handles at the head and foot, or when it is heavy and the funeral director suggests more hands.

• Six: the default for most services.
• Eight: an oversized or heavy casket, or a family that wants room for more grandchildren or friends.
• Four: possible for a light casket or a child's casket, with help from funeral home staff.
• Fewer than four: the funeral home can provide staff bearers to fill in. Families do this more often than people think, and nobody at the service will notice.

Ask one extra person to be ready in case someone is ill or delayed on the day.

Honorary Pallbearers

Honorary pallbearers are named for the honor but don't carry anything. They walk beside or behind the casket, sit with the pallbearers, and are listed in the program.

The role fits people who should be included but can't lift:

• An older parent, aunt, uncle or grandparent
• Someone with an injury, a health condition or a pregnancy
• A best friend who lives far away and may not make it in time
• Members of a club, team, union, lodge or congregation the person belonged to
• Co-workers, caregivers or a whole group of grandchildren

There is no fixed number. Some families name two honorary pallbearers; some name a whole team.

Who to Ask

Most families ask, in roughly this order: sons and daughters, grandchildren who are adults or older teens, brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, and close friends. Women can be pallbearers, and many are. There is no rule that pallbearers have to be men.

A few things help when you choose:

• Steadiness matters more than strength. The carts take most of the weight. Pick people who will stay calm and walk evenly.
• Similar heights help. The casket stays level when people of similar height share a side. Mention heights to the funeral director, who will arrange them.
• Speakers can carry too. Someone giving the eulogy can also be a pallbearer. If they would rather focus on the speech, make them honorary.
• Leave the closest mourners free. A spouse or partner usually walks behind the casket rather than carrying it.
• Ask what the person wanted. Some people leave a list in their funeral wishes. If so, start there.

If you are planning the rest of the day too, the funeral planning checklist has where this fits, and the funeral order of service shows when the casket enters and leaves.

How to Ask Someone to Be a Pallbearer

A phone call is best. A text or message is fine when time is short, which it usually is. Say what the role is, the date and the arrival time, and make it easy to say no.

Asking by phone or in person

We're putting together the service for Dad, and we'd be honored if you would be one of his pallbearers. It means helping carry the casket in and out of the church and at the cemetery. The service is Saturday at 11, and the funeral home asks pallbearers to be there by 10:15. If it's too much, please tell me. He'd understand, and so will we.

Asking by text

Hi Mark. Mom always said you were like a son to her. Would you be one of her pallbearers on Friday? It's at St. Anne's at 10; pallbearers arrive at 9:15. No pressure at all if you'd rather not.

Asking someone to be an honorary pallbearer

We'd love for you to be an honorary pallbearer for Grandpa. You won't need to lift anything. You'd walk with the casket, sit with the family, and your name will be in the program. It would have meant a lot to him.

If someone says no

Of course. Thank you for telling me. Would you like to do a reading instead, or simply sit with us?

People decline for good reasons: grief, a bad back, nerves. Offer another way to take part, such as a reading, lighting a candle, or handing out programs, and move on to the next name.

If you are asked and need to decline

I'm so honored you asked, and I'm sorry I can't do it. My back won't allow it and I don't want to let the family down on the day. I'd be grateful to help another way, or to be listed as an honorary pallbearer if that would be all right.

What Pallbearers Wear

Pallbearers usually wear a dark suit or dark trousers with a jacket, a white or light shirt, a dark tie, and dark shoes they can walk in. Women often wear a dark trouser suit, a dark dress with sleeves, or a skirt and blouse, again with flat or low shoes.

• Shoes: flat, closed, non-slip. Cemetery grass is uneven and often wet.
• Coats: a dark overcoat in cold weather. Leave bags and umbrellas in the car or with family.
• Gloves: often white or gray, given out by the funeral home. They give a better grip and match the group.
• Boutonnieres: some families give pallbearers a matching flower. Ask the florist when you order the casket spray.
• Matching details: families sometimes ask pallbearers to wear a team jersey, a favorite color, a tie the person loved, or a uniform. That is entirely your choice.

For a celebration of life with a relaxed dress code, the celebration of life attire guide covers what works.

Pallbearers at a Cremation or Memorial Service

If the body is cremated after the funeral, pallbearers carry the casket just as they would at a burial, and the hearse takes it to the crematory. There is no graveside part.

When cremation happens before the service, there is no casket to carry. Some families name pallbearers anyway, or "urn bearers": one person carries the urn in and places it on the table, and the others are listed as honorary. At a burial of ashes, one family member usually carries the urn to the grave or niche.

For veterans, military funeral honors can include a uniformed team that carries the casket and folds the flag. Ask the funeral director to arrange this; family members can be named as honorary pallbearers alongside the team. Fraternal groups, police and fire departments sometimes offer the same.

How to List Pallbearers in the Funeral Program

Pallbearers are usually listed on the back page or the last inside page of the funeral program, after the order of service and before the acknowledgments. The heading can be "Pallbearers," "Casket Bearers" or "Bearers," with honorary pallbearers in a second short list underneath.

A simple list

Pallbearers
Michael Reyes · Daniel Reyes · Anthony Reyes
Luis Ortega · James Carter · Sophia Reyes

Honorary Pallbearers
Members of the Thursday Night Bowling League

With relationships

Pallbearers
David Miller, son
Karen Miller Hayes, daughter
Ethan Miller, grandson
Noah Hayes, grandson
Robert Klein, brother-in-law
Tom Walsh, lifelong friend

Grandchildren as a group

Pallbearers
Her grandsons
Liam, Owen, Caleb, Jacob, Henry and Sam

Honorary Pallbearers
Her granddaughters
Ava, Grace and Lily

Check every spelling with the person or their family. Use the name they go by ("Bill Turner," not "William Turner Jr.") unless the program uses full formal names throughout. Two columns of three names look tidy on a folded program, and the list rarely needs more than six lines.

If you are making the program now, you can start a funeral program and add the pallbearers to the back page. If a name changes later, you can edit the design and download it again at no charge. The funeral program examples show where other families placed the list.

Thanking Your Pallbearers

A short handwritten note in the weeks after the service is enough. Some families also give each pallbearer the boutonniere, the gloves, or a framed photo from the day.

Thank you for carrying Dad on Saturday. He would have been so proud to see you there, steady as always. It meant the world to all of us.

Thank you for being one of Mom's pallbearers. Knowing she was in your hands made the hardest part of the day a little easier.

Thank you for walking with Grandpa as an honorary pallbearer. He talked about your fishing trips until the very end.

More wording for everyone who helped is in funeral thank you notes, and you can design matching funeral thank you cards from the same theme as the program.

Questions Families Ask

Do pallbearers have to be family?

No. Pallbearers can be family, friends, neighbors, co-workers or anyone the person was close to. Many families mix grandchildren with lifelong friends. If you can't find enough people, the funeral home can provide staff bearers.

Can a woman be a pallbearer?

Yes. Daughters, granddaughters, sisters and friends serve as pallbearers at many funerals. If your religious community has its own custom, ask the officiant, but there is no general rule against it.

Do pallbearers sit with the family?

Usually they sit together in reserved rows near the front, often on the side opposite the immediate family, so they can step out to the casket quickly. The funeral director will show them where.

Is it rude to turn down being a pallbearer?

No. Families understand that some people can't lift, or can't manage it emotionally. Say no kindly and soon, so the family can ask someone else, and offer to help another way or to be an honorary pallbearer.

Do you pay pallbearers?

Family and friends are not paid. If the funeral home provides staff bearers, that is part of the funeral home's charges. A thank-you note or a small keepsake is the usual way to show gratitude.

The sample wording on this page was written for FuneralFolio. Change the names and details and use it freely in your messages, program and cards. If you are also writing the eulogy, the funeral speech writer can help you get a first draft down.